Surreal

This journey started 2 1/2 years ago. Well, 7 I should say. I have always wanted kids. Amber was a bit slower to see my vision- but all the same we managed to pick our daughters name before we picked rings. A few steps were out of order, but we have never followed a traditional path.

Every thing has some how fallen into place throughout this roller coaster of a journey. I have never claimed to understand the process; or felt as though I needed an explanation. Though there were some nights when my resolve was tested and I asked repeatedly for answers. Each step in our life brought us to where we are now. Along the way I started to believe that I could have achieved a few technical degrees in this process. From injections and identification of medicinal reactions, to ultra sound tech from the sheer quantity of black and white images I have stared at searching for answers. I can now tell you the difference between a sub Q injection and an intramuscular injection. I can look at a needle and tell you what gage it is. None of these skills hold a candle to the strength and resolve Amber has attained. From Amber Working at a company that was destined it seemed for its eventual demise- allowing us to meet the people who made the medical side of our journey a reality (despite there being no reason in the world they should have) to the world teaching a desperately impatient wife the value of every moment we have been given. Amber and I can now find the true significance in any date or sequence of events that make every thing baby "meant to be" and a true miracle. All of it lead us to now.

But- Here we are. Mid July and 20 weeks pregnant, and beyond excited to meet our little girl. Our little girl. It sounds so odd coming from my lips. She is real. Her heart is beating away, her hands and feet constantly reminding my wife she is real. There is a tiny human growing every day. We get to meet her. Finally.
I may not be the most feminine woman in the world, but as I stand and breathe if this little princess wants dresses, tiaras, heels and a tea party- I will be the first in line. I will be her champion on the sidelines as loud and proud as I will be in front of the stage. I will learn to braid hair as quickly as I will teach her what offsides means. My baby girl is on her way, and I am like an impatient child on Christmas Eve to meet our little one. She will be worth the wait.

Four times and holdin on strong.

Fourth times a charm. God I hope so. We started yet another round of injections. It's funny looking at each plan, each perfectly laid out course of action and realizing each try that has felt like years at a time but have only lasted weeks at a time. This is the first time I have sat back and said- "huh you are only on injections for a month!" A month of apologizing for hitting a nerve and making her lip go numb or what ever the case may be. (Yes sadly that has happened). So here we are again- writing appointments on calendars, reading the same articles on what to do, what not to do and all the in between. This time though seems different. This time I look around our cozy one bedroom and hints of baby pop up. Our nephew Noah has started to leave traces all over. The bin below the tv where his onesies and diapers are. The cabinet above the sink where there are bottles and formula. At first I was worried these things would make us sad, or even like we were taunting fate. But as the weeks pass I realize none of that is true. Really it's more like Noah is sending future baby McGuire good vibes. Like these two crazy ladies are all right... These things make me smile.
For now we are cautiously optimistic. Despite the roller coaster that has been our journey to parenthood- the constant rise and fall of hopes and sorrows, our determination has never wavered. When the time is right we will meet them. Until then, we are loving having our practice Noah. Amber almost changed a diaper for the first time... His bouncer makes me think of his beautiful smile and now lucky our future baby will be to have all these things already. The bitterness has faded away and let room for the one thing Amber never lets me forget- hope.
This time holds a bit more weight. We stay positive and Amber holds on to notions like buying a new recliner that will "hold her uterus at the right angle" and being thankful for all 59 shots she has to endure every try (counting only Pre- transfer shots... But no one is counting...) this time we both have to face the possibility that our next step- should there have to be one, will be a different path. Our game plan may have to change. Or I guess I should say our uterus plan will have to change. With all these things floating somewhere above our heads in between all of the other appointments and calendars of medicines and plans, we are still trying to just be the McGuires. Still Mao to work each morning , still enjoy every day audit comes. Because if this journey has taught us nothing else it has taught us to be humble. To be thankful for every moment. Every tear. Two years, four try's and a whole lot of love later. We will be ready to meet you baby McGuire. And I have a feeling there are a few other people out there who would enjoy meeting you too.

Radio Silence

Forgive the radio silence. There has been a lot going on. The last few months have brought more change to the McGuire world than I thought I could handle. But here we are, new home, Amber at a new job, newlywed best friends, and now here we are on the eve of our next transfer. At 1PM tomorrow afternoon we will be checking in at our doctors office (goodies for all in hand as usual) and starting the long process of holding our breath.

Since the last transfer Amber and I have learned a few lessons. Patience, faith and hope to name a few. Not that we did not have these things before but somehow the world made them all so much more valuable through this process. From loosing most all of those last year to renewing it all ten fold. We count ourselves extremely lucky to be where we are today. It can not be said enough, but this is due in large part to our friends and family.

So as we embark on this journey to meeting our little one, and bringing the terror that will be a third McGuire into the world- for all of you who have crossed every appendage for us- we too will be wishing amazing things for all of you.

On a final note thank you to every one who has shared their "secrets"- my wife will now be consuming an ENTIRE pineapple, and a bag of spinach today. Apparently there is nothing we wont  do. I am totally fine with this. Here we go three days of bed rest. Thank god for football and a portable work computer that will keep her busy.

Back in the game

Sometimes miracles do happen.  Not often, but they can. Small events are often attributed to miracles. Missing the bus that crashed later that day, stepping out into the street just a moment after someone came screaming by not paying attention, being late only to find out you were there just in time. All of these things at the time seem like great happenstance.

Then there is being offered a second chance for your dream. Free of charge.

Amber and I have counted ourselves so lucky over the last few years. Being together has been a blessing and our friends and family have been so supportive. Meeting our doctor and his entire office was a huge part of our journey. And now this.
There are no words for people like that in the world. Every day common people doing their job and yet so much more. These women (and our Dr.) have gone so far beyond care they have become a part of our family. Between figuring out ways to help us with the medicine we need, and negotiating with other offices now they have taken it one step farther. He is actually performing a frozen embryo transfer for free.

And were back in the game.

If there was ever a way to thank every one who has helped us along the way- I think not giving up is a good place to start. So in September Amber will once again be my hero and do just that. Try again. After our best friends wedding we will have the transfer (after yet another long bout of injections and meds).

Though there will still be obstacles (one we just cleared by finding out there was no scar tissue from the last round and getting the green light) and taking a little bit of time to save up for the necessary meds, we are more than hopeful that the world wants us to try again. So for the thousandth time- from the bottom of our two hearts. Thank you.

Here's to more updates and more good news.
Wishing all of you and yours well.

Broken Hearts

You spend you life hoping for the best. Hoping not to have to face the moments where your strength is tested. Wednesday January 25th, we saw something no hopeful parent wants to see.  A still ultra sound. The embryo had stopped growing and there was no heart beat.

This journey has taken us from high to low, from down to up and all over again. The gut wrenching waiting, and the expectations that have come along with the process of IVF is not for the light of heart. Amber and I have wanted nothing more than to start a family. We have fought for every thing we wanted since the beginning. Each other, our marriage, and now our baby. There were no guarantees but we both wanted it so badly that we convinced ourselves that hope would take us through. Though this is not true, hope has gotten us through. Hope of another try and of the family around us. Hope of moving on without the weight of the sadness. We have hope. This is what makes the journey tolerable.

Tomorrow Amber will once again endure another procedure. This one to remove the tissue that had developed and start to heal. There is no way to quantify the emotional scars, but the physical healing will start. The doctor will take that tissue and send it away to see if we can find any answers as to why this happened. We might not get any answers. At this point, we have come to terms with that. All we know is that we will do every thing we can to try again, and to continue on our journey to three.

Once again we thank you all for your continued positive thoughts and strength. Despite not being easy we have so much to be thankful for. When our little one arrives we will never take them for granted. Our friends and family have stood beside us, and for that we can never thank you enough.

Until the next update... We wish you and yours the best.  Our hearts and thoughts are with all of our friends who are going through their own hardships.  Even in darkness there is light if you choose to see it.

Patience is a virtue

Amber and I had committed a cardinal foul of IVF. We had gotten our hopes up for an appointment. Last week was going to be the first post positive pregnancy ultra sound. We were told there was a possibility of seeing a heart beat, maybe even seeing more than one embryo. We got excited.

Thursday morning we realized that though EVERY other step of this process is meticulously planned and timed, the embryos have no time line to "attach".  This meant that on the morning we had put so much excitement into, we did not find either of those things. There is a slew of reasons for this from late connection, to slow growth but it was hard not to focus on the bad side.

So we pushed through a very long week. Tried not to focus on the upcoming appointment. Continued with the seemingly endless injections and meds all the while trying not to think it was for not. Wednesday morning lead us both to work, and then a rushed drive to La Jolla during rush hour. The AMAZING staff at the office always seems to make us smile, but this time we were both waiting with baited breath. Dr. Smotrich finally  came in and began the ultra sound. Within seconds there was a clear image on the screen of one tiny but very strong heart beat. It seemed to move the entire room, the strength of that little heart. We had cleared the third and largest of four IVF hurdles out of high risk, appointment a week, clouded fear. The next "hurdle" will be making sure our little embryo grows and develops over the next week. With confidence I feel like I can say, we got this.

Amber has been amazing. I constantly have to sit back and watch with pride and excitement that she is going to be my baby momma. The moments where she cries for little to no reason make me laugh, while moments of fear pass any more with simply a hug. We have to be two of the luckiest people on earth with all the support we have had over the last few months. So here we are. 7 weeks and 3 days along.  September 4th is our tentative due date. And the adventure has just begun.

Thank you all.

One Great Story

Their are a lot of cliches out there about life and I buy into quite a few of them.  One of my personal favorites: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away."  You see, when it comes down to it, all I want out of life is a great story.  I want to be able to tell my grandchildren that their granny was a bad ass.  That she took advantage of every opportunity.  That sometimes things didn't quite work out but that I picked myself up, brushed myself off and moved ahead.  Whether they are tear jerking or laugh inducing, I am proud to have stories.  And this story, The McGuire Journals, is a huge one. . .

This past Saturday was the moment we've all been waiting for.  The culmination of shots and check ups, protein, salt and gallons of Powerade, everything we've put ourselves through for this chance.  Needless to say, we were giddy school girls that morning.  We had found out throughout the week that they had retrieved 27 eggs during the retrieval on Monday, 25 of which were viable.  Fifteen of those had been successfully fertilized.  That Saturday morning, our doctor gave me a quick call to let us know that 11 had reached the zygote phase which, as he put it, was "phenomenal."  The plan, 2 to be put in, 9 to go into the freezer.  We couldn't believe it.  So of course we ran out of the house like crazy women with tunnel vision to drive to La Jolla.  Our excitement and anticipation was barely contain as we walked in the office.  Our lovely neighbor and Derby great Dr. Turmoyal made her signature mouthwatering cake balls for the special occasion (Hanukkah style of course) which we practically threw at the staff.

A quick side note.  We were given instructions the day prior that I could eat what I wanted to in the morning but needed to wear loose, comfy clothes, no perfume and I had to drink 16 oz of water on the way up.  I was concerned that what I thought was the embryo transfer was in fact going to be a sorority hazing so I checked with the nurse the day before as to what was up with the perfume and water.  The water, for those of you like me who hasn't been pregnant before, is for the ultrasound.  Turns out the perfume was in fact no smells AT ALL including lotion and body wash because the embryos are extremely sensitive to it.  Who knew!

Anywho, they called us both back to the pre-op area and started going over the procedures for after the procedure and the drug regimen.  The meds are overwhelming now that they gave us a calendar printout to keep us on track.  One injection every day.  Two on Mondays and Thursdays.  Two patches that change every other day and a pill at night.  Plus the standard pre natal vitamin and baby aspirin.  They gave me my gown, hair net, and super sexy socks to change into while also giving Karen a gown, hair net, booties and a mask so she could be in the operating room too.  I cannot tell you how amazing that was.  I was hoping that that would be the case but I know that Karen was prepared to wait in the waiting room.  But this is our journey and much of what the entire staff has done for us is because of the love and commitment they see between us.  I can't imagine they would have had it any other way.

We went into the OR and hung out for awhile.  Once they came in, Dr. Smotrich gave us a picture of the embryos that were going in and the embryologist gave us the top to their petri dish.  The lights were dimmed (they are sensitive to that too) and, as Karen clutched my hand tight, we got started.  She got to see the ultrasound screen during the entire procedure and in the end, there was a tiny speck of light at the top of my uterus that contained both of them. (We have a picture of that too!)

Afterwards, they literally tipped the table up so my legs were above my head and Karen and I had half an hour to talk and cry and reflect on it all.  It was an unbelievable moment that we thought couldn't be topped.  But then our doc walked back in and asked if he could say a prayer.  We're not religious people but we respect his deep faith and said of course.  He held both of our hands over my uterus and said the prayer in Hebrew.  Neither of us could keep the tears from our eyes. . .

We headed home to three days of bed rest.  Literally off my feet except to pee and no using my abs.  It was frustrating at times but luckily we had amazing visitors who kept us company and full of food. Plus a full day of Sunday football with noise makers care of my wife.

Tuesday we returned for a quick blood test.  Turns out my progesterone was a bit low (they want it at 30 and mine was at 24.6) so they upped my nightly drugs to two but that's it.  Not enough concern to do another follow up.

Now its a waiting game.  Trying to be in the moment and be realistic about our chances that they latch on but still take care of myself as a high risk pregnancy like I'm supposed to.  Trying not to over analyze every little thing.  Trying to take deep breaths.

So our next appointment is January 3rd.  And that appointment could quite literally change everything . . . and start an even crazier journey. . .

Egg Retrieval's Eve

As we sit here on the eve of our egg retrieval, I feel it's time to catch everyone up on the week that has past. . .

As you may know, we started our hormone regiment last Friday with two shots daily in the abdomen.  Things got off to a good start.  While I felt a bit crazy, cold and exhausted, I was handling myself quite well not to mention the amazing care from Karen.  The weekend passed and we lowered one dosage for one injection on Monday morning.  Tuesday found us heading north to get a check up.  Where as the ovaries were silent on Friday, by Tuesday's exam they were progressing right along.  The doc estimated about 20 follicles each at 6-7 millimeters were doing their thing.  He turned to me and ask if I was bloated.  I said a bit.  He said "You will be."  And damn me if I haven't been.

As the week continued, the shots and check ups continued as well.  By Thursday, Karen could do the injections blind, I was bruising like a peach and had sworn off jean and were heading back to the docs.  After a ultra sound that showed incredible improvement (the follicles were now at 16-17 mm) we were given news we were not excited to hear. . .there would be an additional injection.  My wife has been amazing throughout it all and incredibly strong when it comes to the injections but no one wants to inflict pain on their spouse so we needed a moment on our ride home to gather our composure.  The additional injection, we were told, is a bit trickier.  The nurse literally told us sometimes it bounces back.  Awesome.  But the first day went fine and we only had a few more days with injections.

Unfortunately, Friday was a rough day.  Not only did I kick it off yelling out my fantasy team (damn you Redskins defense) and the toaster oven, but I jumped back during the third injection.  I subsequently broke down for a good 20 minutes while my amazing wife tried to help me and yet support me getting it out.  We went again to success but both of us were very tired.

At Thursdays appointment, we got our dates 90% set. . . egg retrieval Monday, implantation the following Saturday.  On Saturday those dates were confirmed with the follicles now being at 20 millimeters.  And again, we got a surprise when it came to the meds.  We would need to do 2 injections specifically timed to get things ready for the retrieval.  One in the thigh.  One in the upper ass.  Both in muscle.  So after a long Saturday that got underway with an appointment, then at Gyminny all day, dinner with Gyminny people and a party at the Mosers, we headed home to take care of business.  The strength of my other half cannot be underplayed here.  These were some intense injections and I was definitely nervous but she was amazingly calm and made everything go so smoothly.  Granted I'm sore today but their is no getting around that.

This morning we went back up for some blood test and tomorrow we return bright and early for the retrieval.  No work for me tomorrow unless from home because as the nurse practitioner put it "I'm going to feel awful."  So K and I will be cuddled up at home with the furry kids hopefully with a winter storm outside.  (Sorry San Diegans, I'm longing for some seasonal weather.)  And at 5:30pm I will be watching my Seahawks on Monday Night Football.  Oh and yes, I will be wearing Seahawks attire to the appointment. . .  as will Karen.

This last week has gone so incredibly fast and slow at the same time.  With the drugs, early mornings and late nights, we are both exhausted but are so thankful for every moment.  Speaking of moments, that's what we've tried to focus on.  Being present in the journey no matter the outcome.  Remembering that we control so little of this and that's ok.  Tomorrow we control nothing and our destiny is then played out in a petri dish until Saturday. . .

What an incredible journey . . .

Another good report card...

(K) From the other side of the table (not the side laying on her back, and beautiful even then...) I am proud to say that I actually know what I am looking at now during the ultra sound. I do see the follicle growing, and the "Mick Jagger lips"... I never thought I would be this savvy on reproduction. Amber has been so great. I know, not what any one was expecting, I was waiting for her to be a mess. And not for any reason other than ever morning for the last week we have woken up, rushed to eat, and some mornings rushed out the door at 7:30 to be in La Jolla be nervous, and rush to work. If not that then woken up to stab her in the tummy and send her on her way all hopped up on emotion and hormones. But she has been amazing.

From my side... It is an amazing thing to watch. Scary most days. Terrifying to say the least. Hoping I mix meds correctly, making sure I change from the mixing needle to the injecting needle (a large size difference for any one who does not know). But still amazing. I had been struggling with feeling the excitement amid all of the tasking the diet to follow and the sheer amount of information to absorb, but for some reason it has all hit me. This is our journey. Our baby is just on the other side of these morning injections. Its coming. I can not wait for you all to meet them... Because honestly, I don't know how the world will handle a Kamber hybrid. Good luck to you all.

Oh and on that note, where is all my beer? Amber has specifically requested there to be beer.

Happy Thursday to all. And here's to another great report card. Good job growing baby makins babe.

Hormones Day 1...

As I lay in bed ruminating, I figure what better time then now to blog about our momentous morning. I have to say, despite the Christmas Eve like excitement I was able to get a decent night sleep after enjoying a Seahawks win. But morning did come early and we were giddy with excitement and anticipation for our appointment. On the drive we laughed and chatted and realized that there may be an evil genius out there being the puppetmaster of the family, spreading rumors like I'm a vegetarian and Karen's afraid of needles. Turns out, neither of those are true.

Regardless, once we finally got to the office, our merriment turned to apprehension. Although everyone has been amazing at La Jolla IVF, we've secretly been waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the down on the roller coaster ride. (Due to these feelings, I may or may not have had a dream that at the appointment, they told me my uterus had fallen out.) As we waited what felt like an excruciating amount of time, we took a moment to remember that this is all a part of a bigger story. Our bigger story. And no matter what happens at the end of this chapter, we need to enjoy each page...

Finally our nurse practitioner came in for our exam. We learned that we were looking for "quiet ovaries" and that this is the only time that is a good thing. Everything was on the up and up so we moved on to the main event...the injections. Our wonderfully amusing nurse Lupe brought in the large bag of medication and started to go into detail with Karen about the two injections she'll be giving me daily in the lower abdomen. One is similar to an épée pen and pretty straight forward. The other is much more like a chemistry exam with syringes, liquid, powder and different needles. Once she was in the know, Lupe did the first injection that burned a bit with the more intimidating needle. Then Karen took a literal stab at it. I've never been so thankful for some stomach chub.

In general the injections themselves aren't that bad but it's the first day and they say I'll have bruising and tenderness so we'll check back on that. Otherwise, I've felt emotionally extreme today. A bit crazy if you will. I'm not so much mad one minute, sad the next but if I'm sad I'm crying and if I'm mad I'm pissed. I can't imagine that's going to improve so again, please send Karen beer. Oh and for those of you into odd tid bits, due to a chance of something called ovary overstimulation something or other, I have to have vast quantities of gatorade or any other electrolyte infused drink plus sodium which I usually avoid and protein.

So that's what we've got so far. I'm exhausted although I'm not sure if it's because of the emotions of the morning or the meds. Tomorrow will be a better indication. Tomorrow is also a coaching Saturday... Good luck to us all...:p

Things Are Gettin' Real

I started this blog to share the journey of adding Baby McGuire to our crazy little family.  I wanted to keep everyone informed as to our progress and our process.  I never imagined the posts I've have to write.  The stories I've have to tell and the gratitude I'd end up sharing.  Many of our posts lately have been either heart wrenching or hopeful with a side of pain.  Not anymore. . .

We are on the eve of getting the green light.  To finding out amazing things like what I'm really like on a ridiculous amount of hormones, how bad can one's ass hurt from injections and how much can you still love your spouse for giving them to you.  Today has had a Christmas Eve like anticipation.  I never thought I would be this excited to go to the doctor and drop my pants, get my blood drawn, and get a big fat shot.  That we would lose sleep over the excitement of dropping an large amount of money at the pharmacist although let's not kid ourselves, it feels like a steal considering the obscene amount it was originally.  We are both counting down the minutes at work like one would who is about to leave on vacation but it's not vacation, it's a whirlwind of doctors appointments all mixed up in holiday fever. . .

Things are about to get real people.  I apologize now for any outbursts, yelling, crying or anything else that may engage thanks to a wicked hormone regiment.  Please send Karen your well wishes and beer.  She may need it. . . 

The journey is about to continue and we are ready for all that is next . . .

Its been a while...

Amber and I both have been in a fog for the last few months. The ups and downs of this journey have been both humbling and exhausting. At this moment, our doctor is on the hunt for sample or extra medicine to help reduce the cost, as well as an amazing amount of people who have donated to our cause getting us one step closer to meeting our baby. We have an outline of a bottle pinned to our wall that has slowly "filled Up'" as we collect the funds. Every time I look at it, I can not believe we are getting closer and closer to a try. I have to swallow the knot in my throat every time I say "try" because I know, and Amber knows... That it could very well be just that. But we are thankful, and positive.
The fund raising site closes today and we are almost to our goal.  We are making progress.

I happened to look through the fund raising site the other day and saw that there were funds for children, funds for cancer and sicknesses you would never imagine. I am so thankful that we are healthy, happy and have family and friends to support us. Hope keeps us looking forward and never sad about the dates that have passed and what they were "supposed to hold". Hope keeps us happy. I wish every one and any one they love all the best, no matter what today brings or yesterday held.

Here is to the hope December holds, the journey, and the sheer amount of drinks I will consume while my wife is on hormones. Happy Monday every one.

Wow

This whole journey has taken my breath away. Many times. From meeting the Dr who has held our hand the entire way, to the support of our friends and family that continuously humbles me. I received an e-mail last night from Amber's best friend that brought me to tears, and lifted me up all at the same time.

She had taken time from her very busy schedule and created a web site for Amber and and (and now to be called Baby-to-be-McGuire), to help us raise the necessary funds to make our dreams come true. The amazing ability for the people around us to continually surprise Amber and I, and help us through this has been overwhelming. Knowing times are tough for every one, but people are still willing to help us have a shot at bringing this little person who we have been waiting to meet for the last 4 years, who we have had names picked out for since before we had colors for the wedding... To help us meet our baby. I am speechless.

So once again, as I have said so many times, and will continue to do for the rest of our lives. To every one out there reading, or listening... Thank you. Thank you from my family. Heaven forbid, but I hope you all know that if the time ever comes where you might need help know Amber and I will be there.

Here is the site, if any one is curious...

http://www.giveforward.com/karenamberandbabytobemcguire

Tears, Fears & Hope

This journey has been ones of ups and downs but we've always found our way.  This past Sunday, we felt our way was lost for good.  Maybe it was ignorant to think that things would be smooth sailing.  Maybe we were purposefully oblivious of what our change of plan would mean.  But, on Sunday morning, we watched our dreams shatter right in front of our eyes. . .

We've always made our way.  We found a way to pay for the wedding of our dreams and afterwards began saving for getting pregnant.  At that time getting pregnant meant some sperm and a baster.  Once we wised up that the baster wasn't the optimal plan, it meant sperm and a visit to the clinic.  While, in retrospect, this plan was on the cheap, it was daunting for us.  But we are the McGuires and we make things happen.  When this amazing doctor entered our lives it seemed like fate was giving us the thumbs up and again, although the cost was rising, it was worth it and manageable.  Then things changed... plans changed... and with that, costs changed.

In the roller coaster of events, we never stopped to ask.  We were so wrapped up in saving our dream, in still having a baby be a possibility, that we overlooked the obvious.  A simple trip to get breakfast makings for our hungover besties turned into tears.  A bill in the mail was for 15 times the original amount and is due by our next appointment... 10 days.  That didn't include the hormone injections that we also need at the next appointment.  It felt like the walls were caving in.  Like we just watched our dream slip away...

It's four days later and the fear is still very real.  Today was the first day that we may have answers and, with that, hope.  Turns out the wrong bill was sent.  We actually owe half as much and have until  the date of the egg harvesting which gives us more time.  Both of those make this situation better but still difficult.  Namely due to the cost of the hormones that we still need one week from tomorrow.  But with the updated news, some luck, and an angel, this just might happen...

It's terrifying that all this and it still might not take... That we might have to figure all this out again.  And I could go to the place where this wouldn't be an issue if something wasn't wrong.  But neither of these thoughts are productive.  Neither of these changes anything.  Maybe hope, love, and a little karma can...

Plus, we are the McGuires... we can do anything....

Happy Birth Control Day!

Today marks the beginning of the real deal.  The steps moving toward our first insemination.   The number one step... Birth Control.  Crazy right?!?  Well, apparently the doc wants to stop production so he can go balls to the wall with some hormone injections in a little over two weeks.  I trust him completely but whoever thought a pair of lesbians would need birth control to get pregnant.

We are so excited to get going on our new plan.  It's fantastic that this momentous kick off happens on a day we can take a moment to appreciate it... Sunday Funday aka Football Sunday.  A lovely brunch with Apple Streusel Crumb Pancakes and Turkey Bacon that my gorgeous wife made, an afternoon of Seahawks and Charger football at the bar where everybody knows our name, and an evening of even more football with our furry kids... all with the excitement of this journey brewing around us.

The next step comes on the 14th when K learns how to shoot me with needles.... And we can't wait for the journey to continue.

As the Adventure Continues

So... As the adventure continues.

This Sunday my wife will start taking birth control pills to regulate this crazy process they call birth. I may not understand all of the steps, but I stand behind them with the vigor only a wife can possess. I can not express how proud I am of her. There have been so many hurdles, so many temptations, to take away from the process that has fallen upon us, but she has handled it all with poise and grace. It can't be easy. I know this, you know this, but some how she remains one of the most put together women I know. Just today.... She has worked 9-11 hour days, all week. Today, she worked a 9 hour day, only to come home, make dinner, and return to work again from 8 PM to 11 PM. I am reminded how amazing she is with every person in that venue who comes up to her with questions outside of her position, and yet she has the answer. I am so happy that this woman is the mother of my future child. No matter what question, or how late the day had been, I have faith that she will find the answer.

As the days count down, and the process gets closer, I think of all of those out there behind us. Those of you who have been routing for us since the beginning. As corney as it is to mention, the drop of Don't Ask Don't Tell has marked another step in the United States of our community to being equals. To being seen as the rest of the country. I can not thank you all enough for following our story, for being our advocates. With out family, we would not have much. Thank you all, and thank you for your support and thoughts along this crazy journey.

Here goes nothing...

Our Uterus Report Card

Today was our first appointment on our new baby plan.  While it was nice having my pants in the upright and on position for a bit, it felt good getting things rolling again.  I felt like we were forced into a holding pattern since our lateral move and that has been hard emotionally but today we got things going in the right direction.

I was nervous to put it lightly.  Terrified to put it realistically.  I know Karen was too but didn't want me to see it.  The last time we had set foot in this office, we found out news that turned our world upside down.  Although all signs pointed to this visit being routine so did the last one... So we kicked our Karma into high gear by picking up a dozen bagels for the doctors office and heading north.  After we got in the exam room and were waiting, I proceeded to work myself up into a seriously nauseous state.   I didn't help that I was given some 600 mg ibuprofen upon arrival for my procedure.  I had no idea this one might be painful.  But after Dr. Smotrich took a teeny tiny camera and took a little tour of my uterus all the weight was lifted.

We always have a little recap and planning sess in his office after the exams.  When we made mention of our apprehension he turned to us and said the most reassuring words I've heard, "Every appointment now are happy ones."  After a gleaming uterus report card, we now have a bit of a break from visits but not from progress.  Soon I will start birth control for two weeks and Karen will start reminding me to take it.  Then we're back in the office to learn to teach K how to stick me with needles.  The end of October is when things start getting crazy but more about that when we get there.

Right now we feel content.  Content that our obstacle can be overcome and we are taking the steps toward doing that.  I'm still dealing with the fact that I feel broken.  I didn't think it would bother me this much but, regardless of the obstacle it posses to getting pregnant, its been difficult to wrap my mind around the fact that something you take for granted isn't what you thought.  But it will pass as we put one foot in front of the other to our ultimate goal of a tiny McGuire.  For today, we are happy with our happy uterus.

Tomorrow... Well, the journey continues...

A Lateral Move

It was all planned and we were right where we needed to be.  The cycle, sonograms, and blood test all signaled go for our first try this Thursday and Friday.  But then...

Yesterday my wife posted about the HSG test we had where the preliminary results showed some not so great things.  After a some tears and sangria, we tried to sleep on it until our appointment with our amazing doctor this morning.  We met up at the La Jolla office pretty solemn, knowing that there was a good chance that we were about to receive news we didn't want to hear.  After dropping my pants for what feels like a daily ritual, the doctor confirmed our fears...

My left fallopian tube has some abrasions and scar tissue and my right, well, has some sort of traffic jam.  We went into his office to talk about our options.  I can have a very invasive procedure that would clean up the scaring and possibly relieve the jam and then continue with our current plan to conceive OR we move on to In Vitro.  We completely trust our doctor and feel very connected to him and his entire staff so in this moment, Karen turned to him for guidance.  Luckily for us, Dr Smotrich is one of the foremost In Vitro doctors in the world and I'm not exaggerating that even a little.  In some messed up way, this plan suits him better.  He has more control of the process which makes it 4 times more likely that our tries will be more successful.  And mums the word about the likely hood of twins and more with In Vitro...

So, after a day of tears and soul searching, we are both coming to terms about this "lateral move" as Dr Smotrich called it.  I'm coming to terms with the information I have found out about myself.  It's something you take for granted.  Why would I have any issues with my lady parts?  It's not life threatening and, had it not be for trying to get pregnant, I wouldn't have known and it would never have effected me.  But that doesn't change that I feel a bit broken.  That being said, the doctor is very confident in my fertility... my tunnels are just not working and need to be by-passed.

Now we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and start the new plan that includes cameras in my uterus, birth control (crazy right, birth control to get pregnant), hormone shots, egg harvesting, and implantation.  All that takes our timeline for our first try to Halloween... well worth the wait.  Sometimes this feels hard and overwhelming but it's something we've always wanted and will do whatever it takes to make two McGuire's become three.

We sincerely thank everyone for the support.  Turns out this adventure is just getting started...

Post Dr... Pre Assumption

OK. So here we go. We always knew this process would be a roller coaster. Little did we know HOW much of one it would be. After a "simple" HSG, an iodine injection into the Uterus and fallopian tubes, would we find that there is "some scar tissue" in the left side of the fallopian tubes, and possibly a block in the right side. No one could have ever predicted this. From "there might be some scar tissue from your appendectomy" to, "the right side could be blocked"... Every part of this process has been scary, but this has to be the worst... We are optimistic. We are hopeful and there is no reason not to be....

Anyway, on the path the the 3rd McGuire, we have hit speed bumps, we have hit problems, but this is the first question mark.  Yet, this will not stop us.  We are Mommies,  and this will not stand in our way.  With our family and friends behind us, we could find out tomorrow that this is nothing but a small obstacle.  Nothing will stand in the way of our family.  We are McGuires and Devyn or Greyson will be a part of us soon.

My wife

My wife. I could not begin to describe the woman that not only agreed to marry me, but promised despite all of my flaws, even ones she didn't know about before the ring, to love me and stand by me. When amber and I met I knew she was strong. Head strong, body strong, and more than any thing emotionally unbelievable. I sit here today in the waiting room of... Well the 4th or 5th dr of this process. Today to have iodine pushed into her body where no one wants iodine, to make sure her body is as prepared as it can be to accept our child. That sentence just takes my breath away. This entire process has been overwhelming, scary, exciting, any other descriptor imaginable... But that's just for me. She has this enormous weight of all if these scenarios coming together just right to have a chance of making a baby. Wow. And tonight a 16 yr old will do it on accident. And all I can do, as her wife is sit here and hold her hand. All I can say is thank you. To all of our friends and family who follow us down this crazy road. To every one keeping up with us, cheering for us, and most if all keeping good thoughts around us.

My wife. Wow. Soon to be the mother of our child. Wow.